


Not Tonight

by ShaneDarkwin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24824767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaneDarkwin/pseuds/ShaneDarkwin
Summary: "I know I'll be alright, but I'm not tonight."One-shot. Set two years after Senator Amidala's death. A grief-fueled breakdown, conversations with a ghost, general hopelessness.
Relationships: Padmé Amidala/Sabé
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Not Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> This pairing has a grip on me unlike any before. Title and quote in summary from "I lost a friend" by FINNEAS. I know I always tag them as a ship but honestly that's such a gross oversimplification of their dynamic it kind of hurts. Anyways, I hope I did them justice, this is another "real life pain turned into art" thing, unedited, in the raw emotion. If it makes you feel horrible I suggest listening to the song, it's sad too but with a more hopeful note than this.

Her tone is sharp, her voice cutting through him like eyes though he knows she doesn't mean to. She never does. 

"You can't understand, no one can. Just drop it." 

But he doesn't. He knows he should, because she's right. He never fully understood and he doesn't think he ever will he able to. But to him that's no reason to keep trying. It's what love does to you. 

"Maybe you're right. I know she meant a lot to you though, I know-" 

" _A lot_?" A chuckle comes over her lips. It's humourless and sends a cold shiver down his spine. "A lot doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. She was- Stars, she was everything to me. I pledged my life to her, but she was so much more than my Queen. She was my counselor, my rock, my friend. There is no one in the galaxy who is as driven and righteous as she is. Was. She was destined for greatness. Everything she did, she did with compassion and conviction. The projects, planets, the people she touched as Amidala, they flourished. _I_ flourished. Because of her." 

The tears in her eyes are angry ones. They always come, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but they come without fail. 

"I didn't have to stay after her term. None of the others did. They made their mark on the world in different places. My place, though, my place was with her. It always has been."

He doesn't argue. If her words sting still, he gives no indication of it. From the very beginning, her loyalties had been crystal. They'd lain with the Queen, the Senator. That's what she'd said, all those years ago. What she stood by today. 

Only that it had been just part of the truth. She would have given herself up in service of her home's ruler and advocate in a heartbeat. But this grief wasn't for her. 

While the rest of Naboo, the rest of the Galaxy, grieved for Senator Padmé Amidala, Sabé had been grieving the loss of Padmé Naberrie. 

"To have that taken from you, to have someone like her taken from you. You can't imagine." 

' _Oh, and how I can_ ' he wants to reply. His eyes are fixed on her, frame smaller than he remembers her ever being, enveloped by the overwhelming pain of losing something precious. But his words, he knows too well, are lost on her. At least when she's like this. It kills him, but he does the only thing he's come to understand helps. 

"I'll be right outside if you need me."

He leaves her to her memories. 

* * *

She doesn't know when she started speaking to herself, pretending, hoping?, that somehow Padmé could hear her. Surprisingly it seemed to help, in a pathetic yet soothing way. 

"I know it hurts him," she admits to the ghost she can't shake. "I see it on his face when he thinks I won't notice. Hear it in his silence. He thinks he isn't allowed to say it, because I told him about you from the start.

"It's true, though. My place always has been with you. I was never second best to you. You made me a first choice. You chose me, and that's why I chose you. Again and again. Always will. 

"I sometimes wonder. Wonder what would have been had I not left you. Had I insisted, stayed with you, right where I was belonged. Would it have mattered? Could I have-" ' _saved you?_ ' she wants to say, but her breath hitches and the words jumble in her mouth that's suddenly too dry, her throat too close, her tongue too limp. So she doesn't. 

"Even if I couldn't have. I- I at least could have tried, couldn't I?" The words have barely left her mouth when Sabé realises how ridiculous she sounds. She can almost see Padmé rolling her eyes, hear the hint of annoyance in the ' _I can take care of myself_ '. 

She sighs, releasing tension, sadness, frustration, desperation along with the strained air in her lungs. But like oxygen, the emotions never seem to leave completely. 

"This work I do, it's good. I know it is. But it isn't mine. It just isn't what it used to be." There is more to it than she can articulate. Words were never needed to make herself understood, not between them. They would exchange one look and Padmé would know what she was trying to say. That her heart was never fully present. That without her, part of Sabé would always be amiss. That part of her had made good on her promise to give her life for the girl who was once crowned Queen. 

The silence fills up the empty room. It's an improvement to forced conversation and pretense. But it's not comfort. 

Tonra, he used to be that for her. Once upon a time. These days Sabé wonders why he even bothers to stick around. In secret she is counting down the days until he wakes up and realises that this is her now. That the girl he fell for is no more. That all that's left of her is the tired husk of a woman haunted by the Queen's Shadow. That all that's left of her is the Queen's Ghost. 


End file.
